Reality

No there is a purpose for me sharing the mess that has consumed “my side” of the room as Mike calls it (especially in this state). I’m not just sharing dirty laundry, though I know the bra sitting on my desk is quite classy haha…

Anytime I’m stressed it doesn’t necessarily show in my attitude, though I become snappy and easily frustrated or worried about the smallest of things…it really shows in my home. When I’m freaking out or feeling like I have no idea how I’m going to make it through this week I become extremely reckless with staying tidy and neat. Dishes pile up (as I secretly wait for the only other adult in the home to wash them…), I throw all the clothes that I can’t wear around, and everything is “dirty” so the laundry becomes a monster in itself. I’m so consumed by my emotions I can’t keep up with anything let alone anyone really.

This week was strange. I try and keep my work life out of my blog, simply because it’s not something I care to discuss even with my husband. I’ve enjoyed working in the social work field, but after having a child of my own I can’t stomach some of the images and realities I deal with… In some ways I guess I carry the shame of the cases I know I cannot change. I’m a lover at heart and to see someone not being loved I take it personally (which is so unhealthy). It’s the hardest thing about working in reality. Most days I’m not surrounded by beautiful lattes or gorgeous scenery after a brisk walk with my son. Life looks a lot more like that mess and I don’t know how to handle it always… no one wants to see a mess right? Who talks about it? This week I realized I need to talk more about it, and not in that depressing crying over a bowl of ice cream type of way…

When we start falling apart some people use humor to cope with it, others explode, and many people like me internalize it as it’s expressed through the private and intimate areas of our lives. Most of these ways aren’t necessarily healthy, but we all find a way to deal with it. Eventually I clean up the mess and wash the dishes that only I see in the sink, because it’s my responsibility. Though reality carries so many responsibilities the worst thing I allow myself to believe among many others is that you have to carry it alone. No you can’t change everything, but most effective change starts within you.

I encourage you as I continue to learn myself to not believe that you have to do it alone. Reality is taxing and so are the loads you carry, but I feel the strongest when I am connected with someone who can encourage me to push through. Who will allow me to cry when I know I can’t change a child’s situation or remind me that all the parts of my life bring value and substance to who I am. I hope you have that person and if not I am gladly around dear friend.