I was in that place again..that one where I felt overwhelmed, alone, and ready to quit. I remember sitting with Mike one night and telling him I was okay with walking away from it all and this life. As difficult as it was to say I found myself trying to be as confident and nonchalant in my words, because I was so assured that there was nothing else to look forward to. Was I disregarding my role as a mother and wife? Or just being selfish as Mike looked into my eyes and told me how could I only think of myself? But you can’t explain irrationality to a rational heart when it feels like darkness is all around you. Someone once shared with me that it’s hard to deal with darkness, because it’s sticky – when you think you’ve cleaned off one area you find it somewhere else…and I found my mind so clouded with stickiness nothing could eradicate its existence.
This dark cloud hadn’t made such a presence in many years, to say I was prepared would be fooling myself and those who know me best. Dealing with seasons of depression were behind me I chanted – I’ve dealt and moved on. What brought it on… I couldn’t pin point it. I sat in my quiet thoughts one night as I had started feeling the physical effects of this storm cloud and found myself sick often for several weeks. Fighting between plans and logic of letting go and what I know to be truth in God’s word – truth in my own life.
We had tried for months to have another child with no success, I took it as a sign and when the nurse told me I wasn’t expecting I knew for sure laying with eyes closed that I didn’t need to keep pushing on in this manner. A storm, a body failing with no real medical reason, and most of all the weight of work was most definitely a recipe for me to stay in bed with covers over my head to hide my angry and worn tears… then you appeared. Right as I told myself if I’m not pregnant then I can let this storm overtake me and I won’t fight this time. I’m tired…
No free spirit desires to be caged or confined…having their wings clipped by life’s circumstances knowing that there is so much more to this life. to my life.
Truth is there has been a deep redemption in these last several months as I await your arrival. Just as your brother caused me to look long and hard in the mirror as a 25 year old naive young woman, you now cause me to do the same – but with eyes opened in a way that has ground against those inner parts I didn’t know were hidden (even from myself).