Since last week lovebug has been sick with Hand, Mouth, and Foot Virus…let’s just say I really wouldn’t wish this on any child. After a call from daycare last Wednesday afternoon, we ended up visiting urgent care with a 101.6 fever and a very unhappy little boy (not to mention a very nervous and concerned momma). From Wednesday night on it was rough…okay it was hell. I can’t imagine how it was for him, but for us I think one of those nights was worse than when lovebug came home for the first time and we had no idea what we were doing, not to mention I couldn’t stand another moment nursing him (tore my nipples a part). BUT we made it! Sure I’ve slept only a couple of hours collectively and I haven’t combed the little hair I have (it has grown!)…and sure I used my husband’s Old Spice wolverine (I don’t know the scents) body wash the last couple of days, because I forgot to buy more of my own. Either way lovebug is doing so much better and is just that much more spoiled since we threw out our weaning schedule and went full into nurse, cuddle, sleep – repeat mode. With his little appetite I felt like I was starving him (mother’s guilt got me again).
I will say though the hardest part I think for me was the fact that though it was only a handful of days together and not under the best circumstances, my heart couldn’t have been any happier being able to be home with him. Working full-time is not easy when your heart is with your child 7.5 hours of your 8 hour work day. I miss him all of the time and find myself spoiling him when we’re together simply because I feel guilty. Guilty because I cannot stay home. Guilty because I have to ask someone else to “do my job.” Just plain guilty. I remember a dear friend of mine sharing about watching out for “mother’s guilt” and to not let it get the best of me (I guess I didn’t listen very well). As hard as it can be to figure out what to do with my growing and rambunctious toddler during the day when I’m used to making phone calls, doing home visits, and documentation at my desk – I enjoy the learning process. Don’t you love that feeling of just knowing when it’s nap time or seeing your little one’s face when they discover something new? Or even your own face as you watch them do something you didn’t even realize they were capable of…like looking under the couch for a missing Cheerio!
The fact is I really dislike missing things and these big parts of his life. Don’t get me wrong, I’m beyond grateful for a job…because frankly the market isn’t like it used to be. I just love my job as a mom more…because it’s the most fulfilling thing I’ve ever done. Each day is new and rewarding. I love that the daycare he goes to will send me a few pictures each day of his smiling face exploring the world around him, I’m just selfish enough to wish I was there with my own camera in hand.
So today was bittersweet returning to work and sending him off to daycare. Though he had a great day… I can’t say I did. All sacrifice is worth it in the end right?
On a lighter note, I’m back up and running on my normal routine. This week is all about happy mail and swap packages! I think after this I may need to slow down on swaps and focus on my favorite time of the year… FALL! I am about to cover myself with luscious yarns, crochet and knitting needles. Hopefully the shop will be full by the end of the month and ready to ship to their new homes!
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