Life has been happening, and boy do I wish some moments it would just slow down and let me catch my breath. When I quit my job I didn’t imagine at all that things would be as they are, and that is a great and tough feeling. A part of me envisioned being home with the boys and writing more, taking photos of their lives, and just overall slowing down… little did I know that was NOT the plan! Initially I found myself on the verge of bitterness and resentment as I was excited to begin this new journey and step into ministry with Mike part-time, but I knew that I needed rest. Rest from the long days and nights of work, missing my kids, and the guilt I’ve carried for quite some time as I felt I had missed so much of my life and my dreams. Sure I pouted and found myself in the bathroom angry, crying, and frustrated not really sure what the heck I was thinking…but luckily things don’t end there and this new season has been far more gratifying than I ever imagined.
During this time more than ever there has been a deep stirring, the one that doesn’t relent until you figure what it’s about. In the stillness of my thoughts and amidst the yucky diapers, screaming, and ministry bustle things about myself have come to the surface. Ever realize how much you suppress in life? I mean truly push deep within to keep face… Insecurities, fears, regrets, hurts, dreams, desires, aspirations – the list can go on and on. They’ve all flooded me one by one, each demanding attention refusing to be pushed down anymore. The common denominator of each of them has been figuring out their roots.
Looking at myself in the mirror, writing, crying, seeking truth and answers that my heart seems to have been patiently waiting for. Ultimately answering, when did I lose my voice and my reason. For months I asked why do I have these gifts if I can’t use them? When really I was asking why do I have these gifts if they can’t give me an immediate return? I’m not famous, I’m still broke, and no one really seems interested…
It’s tough being honest with yourself… because that was the real question. Where is my return? All of this work and nothing is happening! And that deep stirring was demanding a response, more like a correction in my heart. Because the joy I found as a young girl in so many areas of my life that were my voice had been swallowed up by the pressure of applause and performance. That’s a dangerous and lonely place, and it’s been some time that I’ve needed to move on from that into a place of genuine self contentment. Understanding and respecting that there will never be a great enough number or status or award that will satisfy that mentality, has allow me to refocus and understand this stirring was needed.
Releasing expectations, allowing failures, and most importantly grace has been like the longest road trip with two cranky kids in tow and no rest stop in sight! Like where the heck is the stop!! It’s been a work far beneath the surface, dealing with my character, my heart, and more importantly who I want to be.
Underneath it all that authentic, genuine, purest form of myself has been re-rooting, growing, and reshaping this road I’m on that even I do not know what the next steps hold…but they feel right and I know they won’t allow me to move forward without having the character and right ambition to withstand the journey.